Inside Zell's Head
by Carbuncle
Summary: Ew... sick! *barfs* Ahem, the party are summoned to Esthar in order to stop a war from breaking out, but Zell gets into a bit of trouble and ends up hooked up to one of Dr. Odine's weird machines. Squall and the others must now not only save their best fr


FINAL FANTASY VIII  
  
Inside Zell's Head  
  
(Open to Balamb Garden, the Quad. Selphie is sitting on the stage with a magazine. Irvine runs in)  
Irvine: Selphie, I found you at last, babe!  
Selphie: Hi Irvy! ^_^ Whatcha doin'?  
Irvine: Lookin' for you. Didn't you hear the announcement on the loudspeaker?  
Selphie: I'm sorry. I've been looking through the lastest copy of Girl Next Door. Do you realise that this magazine is full of naked women?!  
Irvine: (nervous laugh) And do YOU realise that that magazine is intended for the male gender only?  
Selphie: Then why is it called Girl Next Door?  
Irvine: Because (Squall approaches) it's a magazine for men who enjoy looking at naked girls.  
Squall: Irvine, what the hell are you doing?! I thought I told you to find Selphie and bring her to the front gate! We have to go to Esthar and prevent a national war!  
Irvine: Oh yeah! Sorry man! C'mon babe, you can read your magazine on the Ragnarok.  
Selphie: (gets up) Yeah, and then you can explain how you know oh-so much about this filthy magazine!  
  
(Cut to the Ragnorak, the cockpit. Quistis is flying the ship because Selphie is busy reading her magazine and Zell is in the main party)  
Zell: I still don't see why I couldn't fly the Ragnorak this time.  
Squall: Because you've got to come with Rinoa and me to see the President. You know how it goes: if Selphie or Zell are unable to pilot the Ragnorak, then Quistis will take their place. (Carbuncle: I noticed this. Has anyone other than Zell, Selphie or Quistis ever piloted the ship for you? Answers in the review please!)  
Zell: Tch... fine! (sits on the floor and searches through his Triple Triad collection) Lousy no good Instructor...  
  
(Cut to Esthar, the Presidential Residence. Squall, Rinoa and Zell are inside. Ward and Kiros enter the room)  
Ward: ...  
Kiros: Hello everyone. How's life?  
Squall: Hey, we're not here for idle chit-chat. We just came to stop the war, that's all. We don't like you guys, you guys don't like us. Let's just try and end this mission as quickly as possible.  
Kiros: Very well. Go on through: the President will see you now.  
Zell: Uh Squall, if you don't mind I'd rather not go in there if it's all the same with you.  
Rinoa: Me neither.  
Squall: No way! I don't see why I should have to be the only one to suffer!  
Zell: But we hate Laguna!  
Rinoa: Yeah, you should've brought Selphie along instead. She loves to kiss the man's butt.  
Squall: Fine! Zell, you can go back to the ship.  
Zell: Yes!  
Squall: Rinoa, you're stuck with me!  
Rinoa: What?! Squally, I'm your girlfriend! Have mercy! I'll be really grateful later on, if you know what I mean.  
Squall: Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean. Now here's what I mean: you can either come in here with me to meet with this stupid President, or you can kiss my curvy butt goodbye, 'cause I'll leave you Rinoa, I will, I'll leave you!  
Zell: Heh, who says people have to be in character when it's a humorous fic?  
Rinoa: All right. I'll come.  
Squall: Thank you! (to Kiros and Ward) Lead the way, gentlemen. (he, Rinoa, Kiros and Ward walk off into the President's room; Zell goes off down the opposite hall and runs into Dr. Odine)  
Odine: Ach! Don't run in ze halls, you silly little boy!  
Zell: Hey, I'm not silly, little or a boy! Take that back, you stupid ugly jerk-face!  
Odine: Ach! I am not stupid, ugly or a jerk-face! Take zat back, you retarded spikey haired fool!  
Zell: Hey, I'm not retarded, spikey haired or a fool! Take that back, you talented handsome man!  
Odine: Ach! I am not talented, handsome or a man! Take zat back, you--oy! How dare you use reverse psychology on me?! I vill have to teach you a lesson! (knocks Zell out with some kind of phaser) Ha ha ha!  
  
(Cut to the President's Office. Squall and Rinoa are there with President Laguna, Kiros and Ward)  
Laguna: ...so from what I've told you, do you think you'll be able to bring peace and love back to Esthar?  
Squall: ...Zzz Zzz  
Laguna: Squall...?  
Squall: ...Zzz Zzz  
Rinoa: (gasps) Squall, wake up! (hits him over the head)  
Squall: (wakes up) Wha--uh?! Oh, yes, sure, that'll be easy as pie. You can count on us, President La-asshole-a.  
Rinoa: (quietly) Squall, ixnay on the sultsinay.  
Laguna: Okay, we're in business then. God bless those SeeDs.  
  
(Cut to the Ragnorak, the cockpit. Squall and Rinoa enter to find Quistis, Irvine and Selphie)  
Squall: Phew... I'm sure glad that's over with. Stopping a war is harder than you guys'd think. Quistis, we're ready to take off now.  
Quistis: Zell isn't back yet.  
Squall: What do you mean Zell isn't back yet?! He should've been back hours ago!  
Quistis: Well he didn't, right guys?  
Irvine: Uh huh. It's just been us three for the last 30 minutes. The CC Group were here, but they went out to buy new underpants.  
Squall: Well, I guess one of us will have to go back and find him. (stares at his friends for what seems like hours) I'll go then, shall I?  
  
(Cut to Dr. Odine's Laboratory. Squall enters through the main doors to find Dr. Odine)  
Odine: Vat are you doing in ze lab?  
Squall: I was told a friend of mine was brought here... uh, Zell Dincht?  
Odine: Ach! I have never heard of him! Now get out of mine lab!  
Squall: Look, I really haven't got time for this. As you can probably tell, I'm extremely pissed off today. I've had a real bad day, and it isn't gettin' any easier, so could you please just let me see, Zell?!  
Odine: I do not know zat name! Now get out of here!  
Zell: (from the next room) Uh... eh...  
Squall: What was that?  
Odine: Vat vas vat?  
Zell: (from the next room) Ugh...  
Squall: There! There it was again!  
Odine: Zere is nothing zere! Go avay!  
Squall: Not without my friend!  
Odine: Do you vant me to call security?!  
Squall: (pushes past him) Out of the way, fruitcake! (opens the door to the next room) Oh my God! (Zell has been hooked up to a collection of strange machinery) What the hell have you done to him?  
Odine: Aaagh! Die! (hits Squall over the head with a metal pole)  
  
(Cut to the Ragnorak)  
Quistis: (checks her watch) Squall has been gone for ages. I hope he's all right.  
Irvine: He'll be fine, bitch. Don't worry about him.  
Selphie: Yeah, Squall can take care of himself.  
Quistis: No. I think something's wrong. I think we should go and find him.  
Rinoa: For once I agree with Quistis. C'mon everyone, let's go find Squall.  
Irvine & Selphie: Aw!  
  
(Cut to Dr. Odine's lab. Zell is still hooked up to the machine; he's unconscious. Squall is also unconscious on the floor. Dr. Odine is about to operate his machinery)  
Odine: Yes. My plan is almost complete. I shall use my new invention - ze Mind Exchange Device - and trade places vith zis handsome buck, so zen I vill be able to get any voman I desire. Ha ha ha! Yes. It is ready. (hooks himself up to a wire connected to Zell's head) Now all zat is left is to push zis button and... (the door swings open and Squall's friends burst in) Vat in ze name of Hyne?!  
Quistis: Let the political prisoners go, Odine!  
Odine: Political prisoners? Ach! Zese are no political prisoners, fool! Zese are my human guinea pigs!  
Irvine: Damn, looks like we got the wrong place, Quistis.  
Quistis: Release them at once, or face my wrath!  
Selphie: I'd do what she says; she can be very, very scary when she's angry!  
Odine: I am not scared of some common slut like you, miss! Now either you leave zis instant or I call for security!  
Quistis: You just made me angry. Prepare to die. (whips out Save the Queen) Stand back, everyone! (swings her whip around)  
Odine: No, please! You do not understand! Zis room is filled vith very dangerous equipment! Put your weapon avay!  
Quistis: No chance! It's just a trick! (swings her weapon towards Odine, who quickly ducks; the whip hits the machine instead and causes a flash of bright white light to fill the lab)  
Odine: Oh, ze pain!  
  
(Cut to ????)  
Quistis: Ugh, where am I? (opens her eyes and looks around) Ewww... (she is in a dark chamber; the whole place is smelly and slimey, sticky goo leaks from above and the ground is all soft and bouncy)  
Rinoa: (walks out from the darkness) ...Quistis?  
Quistis: Mm?  
Rinoa: It's okay, everyone. She's still alive. (Irvine, Selphie, Squall and Odine emerge from the darkness)  
Irvine: Darn, I was hopin' she'd be dead...  
Quistis: (weakly) Wh... Where are we? What is this place?  
Squall: You're never gonna believe this, Quistis, but... we're inside Zell's head.  
Quistis: What?! (faints)  
Selphie: Aw, wait a go, Squall! You freaked her out!  
Quistis: (regains herself) Huh? Oh, sorry about that... did you just say we were inside Zell's head?  
Squall: Yep, and you can blame Dr. Odine for it, too.  
Odine: You cannot blame me, you imbeciles! It vas your stupid friend (indicating Quistis) here zat fused ze machines and got us into zis mess!  
Quistis: How did we get here? Is this a dream?  
Odine: Ven you hit my Mind Exchange Device machine you caused some sort of malfunction, and as a result ve vere all shrunk down and shot into zis young man's head somehow.  
Quistis: My God - that's amazing!  
Squall: Dr. Odine was just about to tell us how we can get out of here. Go ahead Dr. Odine...  
Odine: Vight. Now I vant you all to listen very carefully here: ze only vay ve can make it out of here alive is if ve all vork together.  
Squall: ...right, and the rest?  
Odine: Pardon?  
Squall: ...the rest of the plan to get us out of here?  
Odine: Zat is it.  
Squall: That's it?! That's the best you could come up with in the five hours we've been stuck here?!  
Quistis: We've been stuck here for five hours?!  
Selphie: Squall, calm down! You're scarin' Quistis!  
Squall: No! No, I will not calm down! I've had just about the worst day of my entire life today! I'm fed up! I'm totally fed up! I can't take this anymore! (breaks down on the floor) Too much pressure... I can't handle the pressure...  
Rinoa: (comforts him) Shh... You just relax, Squall. We'll find a way out.  
Irvine: So, like, I have an idea.  
Selphie: What is it?  
Irvine: We're in Zell's head, right? So then there's gotta be a way we could get out through his ears or... or his nose, right?  
Everyone Except Irvine: Ewww!  
Irvine: It's logic, folks! Think about it!  
Odine: Your idiotic friend may have a point. It might be our only vay out.  
Selphie: Well I'll try anything. I hate this place. It reminds me of Zell.  
Odine: Ve must get to vork quickly. I fear ve may not have as much time as ve think.  
Quistis: How do you mean?  
Odine: Ve have obviously been shrunk to a microscopic size. It vill eventually vear off and ve vill no doubt return to our original size.  
Squall: God, this just gets worse and worse...  
Odine: Past shrinking experiments usually last for about six hours, vich means ve only have about an hour left before ve grow up, so to speak.  
Quistis: Is it possible to get to the ears or nose in that short amount of time?  
Odine: It should be possible, but ve vill have to hurry. Follow me, everyone. (they all start to walk off down the brain)  
Irvine: Hey doc, I've been wonderin' this for some time now, and uh, how come there's oxygen here?  
Odine: Ve're in ze head, my dim friend. Ze place is full of oxygen. All I can say in zis moment in time is I am so glad zat your friend is unconscious. Ve'd be in some serious trouble if he was up and about right now.  
  
(Cut to Dr. Odine's lab. Zell is still hooked up to the machine. He begins to move and he opens his eyes)  
Zell: Huh...? Uh... what in the world happened to me? (looks around) Why the hell am I hooked up to all this weird ass machinery?! (tugs off all the wires and sets himself free) Ah, that's better. Holy crap, I better get back to the ship! The others'll be worried about me! (runs off but stops suddenly) Ow, my head! Ugh, it feels like there's a bunch of people walkin' all over my brain! Ow!  
  
(Cut to inside Zell's head. The party have almost reached the end of Zell's brain)  
Odine: Praise ze lord! Ve're nearly zere! (the brain begins to shake) Ho!  
Quistis: Odine, what's happening?!  
Odine: Your friend must be avake! And zat is very bad new for us!  
Selphie: Vy? (shakes her head) I mean, why?  
Odine: Because now zat he is avake his brain vill begin to become active again! He may begin to generate a large number of problems for us! (a Ruby Dragon appears in front of him) Like zat, for instants!  
Rinoa: Oh my God! Is that a Ruby Dragon?!  
Odine: Oh dear! Your friend must be thinking about zem! (the dragon rears up and prepares to attack the party) Run for your lives! (the party are about to turn and run when Zell appears from out of nowhere and attacks the dragon; he uses his ultimate limit break, My Final Heaven, on the dragon, and it dies instantly)  
Squall: Holy Mother of...! Zell?!  
Rinoa: Doctor?  
Odine: No, no! It is just a memory!  
Selphie: Wow. It sure does look like him though.  
Odine: Come now. Let us move on. Time is of ze essence.  
  
(Cut to the Ragnorak, the cockpit. Zell enters and looks around for his friends)  
Zell: What the? Where'd everybody go? Oh well, I guess I'll just sit here and... and think... maybe.  
  
(Cut to inside Zell's head. The party have reached the end of Zell's brain)  
Odine: Hurrah! Ve have made it to ze end of his brain! Now all ve do is drop down and make our vay to ze nose.  
Irvine: The nose? Can't we go out one of the ears instead?  
Odine: No, you cannot slide out of ze ears, because I haven't been on a good ride in years! Ze nose, it is good enough for us.  
Irvine: 'Kay.  
Odine: Okay, ve shall jump after three, okay? One, two- (a white screen flashes above the party) -aw, vat now?!  
  
(Cut to Balamb Garden, Zell's dorm. Rinoa and Selphie are there. They are both dressed in their underwear. Squall, Zell and Irvine are with them. They are fully clothed)  
Rinoa: Who wants me to touch Selphie?  
Irvine: Ooh, yeah!  
Zell: Go on!  
Rinoa: Okay, but first you two have to kiss each other.  
Irvine & Zell: What?!  
Rinoa: Go on, or Selphie and I keep our hands to ourselves. (Irvine and Zell move closer to one another and reluctantly kiss each other on the lips)  
  
(Cut back to inside Zell's head)  
Rinoa: What the hell is this?!  
Odine: Zis has... never happened?  
Rinoa: I can assure you that it hasn't. No way would I ever touch a woman!  
Odine: Zen zis must be one of your friend's fantasies.  
Selphie: Ew! Then I hope this is the final fantasy we see today! It's disgusting, huh Irvy? (pause) Irvy?  
Irvine: (playing with himself) Uh... this is a good movie!  
  
(Cut to the Ragnorak, the cockpit. Zell is sitting back in the pilot's seat)  
Zell: Mm... I sure wish dreams could become reality sometimes...  
Irvine: (from inside Zell's head) Reality bites!  
Zell: What was that? Are you my conscience?  
Irvine: (from inside Zell's head) Um... yes!  
  
(Cut to inside Zell's head. Irvine is standing near the inner ear)  
Irvine: The next time you see your friend Irvine, I want you to give him all of your money...  
Odine: Cowboy, vill you please stop messing vith ze ear?!  
Irvine: Sorry, doc. (walks over to where the others are standing) So, what now?  
Odine: Now ve get out of here. Ze nose is just down zis passage.  
Quistis: How much time do we have left before regular growth kicks in?  
Odine: (checks his watch) Less than ten minutes. Ve cannot afford to vaste any time now.  
  
(Cut to the Ragnorak, the cockpit. Zell scratches his earhole)  
Zell: Ugh... damn wax! (twitches his nose) Ooh... I can, I can feel a sneeze comin' on... (grabs a tissue from his pocket) I... I, ah-ah-achoo!! (takes the tissue away from his nose) Phew... (looks at the tissue) What the?! This snot looks a lot like my buddies from Garden. Oh well. (throws the tissue out the window)  
Quistis: (from outside the ship) Waaaaaaa!  
Zell: What the hell? That sounded a lot like Quistis.  
Selphie: (from outside the ship) Eek!  
Zell: And that sounded like dear little Selphie.  
Irvine: (from outside the ship) Help!  
Zell: I'd know that voice from anywhere - that was Squall's voice! (looks out the window) Guys?! What the heck're ya doin' out there?! (the party, now regular sized, have managed to grab onto the ship's exterior; they are swinging like a bunch of monkeys in a tree)  
Squall: Zell, get us out of here!  
Zell: Have you guys been hangin' around - pardon the pun - out there for the last twenty minutes?!  
Rinoa: Zell... you wouldn't believe where we've been for the last twenty minutes...  
Odine: Ach! Stop your yapping and save us, you nincompoop!  
Zell: All right, keep your hair on, I--hey, wait a minute! Aren't you that crazy doctor who hooked me up to all those weird machines?!  
Odine: Vell, yes but...  
Zell: But nothin'! You're goin' down, bitch! (throws a rock out of the window which hits Dr. Odine and causes him to lose his grip on the ship)  
Odine: Ach! Down I go! (falls off the ship) Waaaaaaa! Tell my vife I hate her!  
Zell: You guys, hold on tight! I'm takin' us home! (jumps into the pilot seat and starts the ship) Man, what an excitin' day!  
  
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THE END__________  
  
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End file.
